LUNCH THEFT
by kgreene
Summary: When Michael's mommade lunch disappears he turns the office upside down to find the person responsible. Meanwhile, Jim plans a day trip to New York with Pam. This is a Tweenersode script that occurs in season two between Christmas Party and Booze Cruise.


Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property

of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

LUNCH THEFT

SEASON TWO-EPISODE 10.5

BY KEVIN GREENE

TEASER

INT.-THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

It is first thing in the morning at

Dunder-Mifflin. We see Pam sitting

quietly at her desk. Jim enters smiling.

JIM

Hey!

Jim hangs up his coat and comes over

to reception.

PAM(leaning forward, excitedly)

Hi! How was New York?

JIM

Oh, it was wild, Beesly. A lot of fun.

Except for Saturday night. Mark, uh… drank a

little TOO much… there was some pushing

and shoving… A couple of cops…

PAM

Oh no.

JIM

Yeah, um, a bit much. Legally… I'm not really

allowed to discuss it…

Both laugh.

JIM

But I um… got you something.

PAM

Really? From… from New York?

JIM

Yup… just a, uh… little something.

Nothing uh… spectacular or anything…

Jim pulls out a little black teddy bear

with an I Love New York t-shirt on and hands

it to her. Pam is obviously touched.

PAM

Oh, thank you, Jim! It's so cute!

Jim flashes the biggest smile on earth.

JIM

Glad you like it!

Jim walks over to his desk and puts his bag down.

Dwight is hard at work at something.

JIM

Hey, Dwight.

DWIGHT

Jim.

JIM(making small talk)

What's going on?

DWIGHT (annoyed)

Well, some of us are actually working.

Maybe you can tell us about your

"wild" weekend in New York some

other time.

Jim makes a face to the camera like

"Wow, check him out."

JIM

Actually, uh… I just wanted to

ask you a question.

DWIGHT(rolling his eyes)

YES, Jim.

JIM

What's the name of the ship on that

show you like? With the… robot things

and the… blonde chick.

DWIGHT(starting to get vaguely interested)

Battlestar Galactica?

JIM(snaps fingers)

That's it. With the Krylons.

DWIGHT(shaking head)

CYLONS. What about it?

JIM

Oh, I saw this big model of it.

It had lights and everything…

Really nice. About this big.

(hold hands about a foot and a

half apart)

DWIGHT(captivated)

What?

JIM

Yeah, REALLY nice. Cool looking

box, too.

DWIGHT(intense)

Where did you see this?

JIM

Uh… was that in New York? We stopped

at a mall in Jersey. Might've been

there… (looks really confused)

Or was that here in Pennsylvania…?

(shrugs)

Somewhere.

DWIGHT(annoyed)

Well, what store then?

JIM

Uh… dunno.

DWIGHT

Toys R Us?

JIM

No.

DWIGHT

Kiddie City?

JIM

No.

DWIGHT

Kaybee Toy and Hobby Shop?

JIM

No.

DWIGHT(really exasperated)

How can you not know what store you

were in?? (shakes head) FAO Schwartz?

Forbidden Planet? Software Etc.?

Jim Hanley's Universe?

JIM

No. No. No. N… wait.

Jim takes an extraordinarily long

pause. Dwight is leaning forward in

his seat, staring a hole through him,

hanging on his next words.

JIM

No, sorry.

Dwight groans and grabs his head.

DWIGHT

Never mind, I'll look online!

As Dwight angrily types on his keyboard

Jim peeks at a smiling Pam and then the

camera.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM

The absolute best way to get back at a cranky

Dwight on a Monday morning? Have him search

every specialty store between Scranton and

New York… for a toy that doesn't exist.

(smiles)

END TEASER

ACT ONE

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA 

Michael enters the office carrying a brown paper

bag in both hands. He is smiling ear to ear.

MICHAEL

Pamcakes!

PAM

No.

MICHAEL

Aw, come on…

PAM

No, no, no.

Michael sucks his teeth in frustration and rolls

his eyes. He turns around, leaves the office and

then re-enters.

MICHAEL (monotone)

Good morning, Pam.

PAM(smiling)

Yes. Good morning, Michael! Have a good week-

end? Oh, I have some expense reports

you HAVE to sign today.

Pam tries to hand the expense reports to Michael

but he is raising and lowering the paper bag and

looking at Pam expectantly.

PAM

Um… what's in the bag, Michael?

MICHAEL

Oh, this? This, Pam, is just the

best lunch, EVER. My mom made it.

PAM

Oh, that's nice. What is it?

MICHAEL

Quiche. My mom makes the best quiche

in the world. The best. Better

than your mom.

PAM

My… mother doesn't make quiche.

MICHAEL

Well, there ya go. Because if she did,

it would absolutely suck compared to my mom's.

Pam, annoyed, looks at the camera and then back

at Michael.

PAM

That's nice, Michael.

Pam places the expense reports on

top of Michael's lunch.

MICHAEL

Hey, don't get mad at me because your mom

sucks at quiche.

Michael walks over to Jim's desk.

MICHAEL

Jim! How was New York?

Jim leans back in his chair, chewing a pen top.

JIM

Good, Michael. I had a good…

MICHAEL

That's nice.(Michael holds the bag out

towards Jim)

MICHAEL(continued)

My mom made an EXCEPTIONAL

lunch for me today.

JIM

Your mom made expense reports for lunch?

Not very filling. And a little dry.

MICHAEL

No, no, quiche. My mom made me homemade

quiche.

JIM

Really. Did your mom drive you in too?

Michael looks at the camera and puts his

head down.

MICHAEL

Well… my… car's in the shop…

Jim gives his best Jim Face to the camera

while Michael looks embarrassed. Dwight walks

over looking very concerned.

DWIGHT

Michael… this lunch you speak of…

MICHAEL

Good morning, Dwight.

DWIGHT

Yes, good morning… ah… this lunch. Are

you completely aware of it's ingredients?

MICHAEL

What do you mean?

DWIGHT

You can never be too careful with your meals.

In 1995 a Thai prince was poisoned by his young

wife who then ran off with a 19 year old chestnut

seller. She put insecticide in his coffee and he had no royal taster.(shakes his head)Very stupid.

Michael sighs and heads towards his office

with Dwight in tow.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL'S OFFICE.

MICHAEL

Your point, Dwight.

Michael places the lunch and the expense reports on the cabinet behind

his desk and begins to take his coat off.

DWIGHT You should be suspicious of meals not made by

yourself. You have many enemies, Michael Scott.

MICHAEL

I do?

DWIGHT

Well… probably.

MICHAEL

(pause) Dwight, I'm pretty sure this quiche is

not dangerous. My mom made it.

DWIGHT

And?

MICHAEL

Dwight… why would my own mother poison me?

DWIGHT

Many reasons. Mind control. Senility. One

Hundred thousand dollars in small unmarked

bills delivered by a competitor.

MICHAEL

Oh my God… she DID have a black briefcase

on her kitchen table that she wouldn't

explain…

DWIGHT

Really?

MICHAEL

No. I'm kidding, Dwight. My lunch is fine.

My mother is not trying to kill me.

DWIGHT

Michael, you don't realize the danger!

MICHAEL

Dwight, I have a lot to do here… (points towards door)

DWIGHT

Michael, please. I beg you! Take it out and

let me taste it!

MICHAEL

Jesus, Dwight… ugh… get out of here!

(Michael gets up, comes around the desk and

starts to shove Dwight towards the door)

MICHAEL(continued)

Just go back to work!

DWIGHT

I have a very trained nose. I can

smell arsenic!

Michael finally gets Dwight out and closes

his door. He heads back behind his desk,

shaking his head.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD 

MICHAEL

Who would've thought that my lunch would

cause so much ruckus? (shakes his head)

Jealousy… so ugly.

INT. OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA.

Jim is leaning over the reception area watching

Pam fawn over her bear.

PAM

Oh, look at that little face. His hair is

so fuzzy and he is so cute!

Jim smiles.

PAM (looking down)

And the bear isn't so bad, either…

Jim's eyes open wide in shock. He glances at

the camera and smiles even more broadly.

JIM

Pam Beesly! I… wow.

PAM(coyly and innocently)

What, I didn't say anything…

(She looks at the camera and

becomes embarrassed)

PAM(continued)

um… tell me more about New York.

I haven't been in so long.

JIM

Really? How long has it been?

PAM

Well… awhile. Roy always

says we will go but we never do.

There is an awkward silence between the two.

PAM

So, um… tell me… do they still have

roaming teenaged gangs that sing

and dance and fight with switchblades?

JIM

Wow… it HAS been awhile, huh?

Jim and Pam laugh.

JIM

You know… we should go.

PAM

Go where?

JIM

New York. We could make a day trip

out of it. We could leave around

six, six-thirty and drive. When we get

there we could have breakfast and stuff.

PAM(stunned)

To New York?

JIM(laughing)

Yes, New York. We could go to the Empire

State Building and ride the ferry and go to

Tiffany's…

PAM(even more stunned)

You would go into Tiffany's with me?

JIM

Well, yeah. Why wouldn't I? We could go

to Macy's and Saks Fifth Avenue too,

if you like.

PAM(touched)

Wow… that would be… wow. So… uh… we wouldn't

be… um… staying over, would we?

Jim is momentarily stunned.

JIM

Uh… well, I didn't… think we could… But we can

if you like. We can get a room… UH, two rooms

and… stay…

PAM

No, uh… Roy… definitely would not…

JIM

No, I didn't think so. It's ok…

PAM

You know, just hanging out for the day…

would be…

JIM

We'll do that. That would be… less trouble.

PAM

Yeah…

They both pause, letting the magnitude of what

they were talking about pass.

JIM

Um… how about Wednesday?

PAM

THIS Wednesday? What's the hurry?

JIM

No reason… I just want to see you in

New York.

PAM

Ok… I… have to talk to Roy about it.

JIM

Tell him. It's just a friendly thing.

Buddies hanging out.

PAM(smiling)

Ok. Ok. Let's do it then.

JIM(with a huge smile)

Cool.

Jim walks away from Pam and heads towards

the break room.

INT. THE OFFICE-BREAK ROOM 

Jim is on his cellphone trying to be quiet.

JIM

Mark! Hey… no, I'm at work… Um… you know your

friend in New York? The one that gets the

Broadway tickets?… yeah… (laughs) yeah, that's

funny. Um… You think he could get me Lion King

tickets? …Yeah, I know. But man, it would be

great if he could… Oh, uh…(grimaces)this

Wednesday? I KNOW, I know… Well, tell him

that money is no object… No, not Katy…

No… (laughs)dude, just get me hooked up, ok?

(laughs) Yeah. Oh, a matinee show! Gotta be

matinee. Ok, thanks, man. I owe you.

JIM TALKING HEAD 

JIM

Yeah, um… I'm a little excited. It'll be really fun

seeing New York with Pam. I mean, I was just there

but it means more when you're with someone you…

um… really care for. And it's nice and cool and

New York this time of year is very (pause) romantic.

PAM TALKING HEAD 

PAM

I AM looking forward to going to New York with Jim…

but… I feel a little… nervous about it. I don't know

why. I mean, Jim is my best friend so we won't have

ANY problems or anything… I just feel… nervous. Like

maybe… (shakes head) I don't know. We'll definitely

have a lot of fun, I don't know why I feel like this.

(pause) Maybe I should talk to my mother.

INT. OFFICE-MICHAEL'S OFFICE

Pam walks in carrying faxes. Michael is staring

intently at his monitor.

MICHAEL

Pam… did you know that quiche is considered to be

an open faced tart?

PAM

Uh… no. Wikipedia?

MICHAEL

Yep. "Open faced tart". Sounds like Angela.(laughs,

then looks very concerned)

MICHAEL(continued)

uh… That was just between you and

me. She's still mad at me about that

"cream-filling" comment I made last

week. Honestly, that wasn't funny?

PAM

Michael, here's some faxes and you have GOT to

sign those expense reports today. Got to.

MICHAEL

Are you still mad about your mother and her

bad quiche? My mother can send her a recipe

but I don't guarantee it will be nearly as

good…

PAM

Leaving.

Pam walks out and back to her desk.

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM'S DESK.

Jim is looking at his monitor and then,

apparently, gets a psychic signal from Pam.

He looks over and Pam is looking directly

at him with a cute smile. Slowly the teddy bear's

head rises from behind the reception counter. Jim

laughs quietly. Then Pam makes the little bear wave.

Jim smiles and the two share an enormously sweet

moment looking at each other. Just then Michael

comes out of his office and the moment is gone.

MICHAEL

Welp… think I'll fire up that lunch now.

JIM(looking at watch)

Um… you know it's only 10:43, right?

MICHAEL

I… know that. I'm just… hungry now… sorta.

A lunch like that you don't wait for.

JIM

A lunch like that who'd kill your brother,

forget that lunch and buy another.

Jim smiles at Pam who giggles. The reference

is clearly for her benefit.

MICHAEL(completely confused)

Kill my… brother… what?

PAM

It's from West Side Story.

MICHAEL

I don't remember that from West Side Story.

JIM (seeing the opportunity)

Uh, yeah, Rita Moreno is criticizing

Natalie Wood's eating choices.

PAM

So she sings this song about finding a

better lunch.

MICHAEL

Boy, I… must've missed that scene.

JIM

Well, Pam, you know what that means.

PAM

Yup. I'll find the lyrics online.

MICHAEL(looking at watch)

Um… ok. Maybe I'll push lunch off a little

bit more…

They both laugh silently as Michael heads

back to his office.

PAM TALKING HEAD 

PAM(smiling)

Sometimes… it is SO scary how in tune Jim

and I can be. How we can both just think

the same thing. It's scary but fun.

(shakes head)

It's crazy how good we can be together…

(her eyes widen slightly)

at… at work.(Pause) I… gotta go finish

writing the lyrics with Jim.

INT-THE OFFICE-KITCHEN AREA 

Michael is leaning against the counter and

reading from a sheet of paper as Jim and

Pam stifle their laughter.

MICHAEL

"A lunch like this has too much mustard,

forget that lunch and eat some custard"?

Wow… this song is crazy. Is it on the

original cast recording?

JIM

Uhhhhh… not sure.

Jim smiles at Pam who can barely keep from

laughing.

MICHAEL

Ok, enough of that. Time for my incredible

lunch! I'll eat it in my office so you guys

won't have to stand around gawking at it.

JIM

Thanks.

Michael opens the refrigerator and peers in.

He moves stuff around, peers some more. He

takes out a few items and looks harder.

MICHAEL

Where's my lunch? My lunch is not in here.

PAM

Are you sure you put it in the fridge?

MICHAEL(annoyed)

Yes, PAM, I put it in the fridge. I put it

in a here a few minutes after I came in.

(pause) Someone took my lunch.

PAM

Michael, I'm sure no one took your lunch.

If it's not in there, maybe someone moved it.

I'm sure it's an honest mistake.

MICHAEL(calming himself)

Yeah. Yeah. If it's an honest mistake,

I can forgive that. Everyone makes mistakes.

That's why they put pencils on the ends

of erasers.

JIM

Um… I'm pretty sure that was

intended to be said the other

way around.

MICHAEL(distracted)

Well… that's… a dozen of one and

six and a half of the other.

Jim shoots the camera an amused "Ok…wha?!?" look.

Michael goes to the door and looks out into the

Office.

MICHAEL

Ok… everyone, can I have your attention? Did

anyone move my lunch from the fridge? Anyone?

It has "Property of Michael Scott" stamped

in four different places on it. Brown paper

bag… Taped and stapled shut… Anyone?

No one responds.

MICHAEL(angrily)

Ok, this isn't funny. I want my lunch back! Pam,

get Kelly and Toby over here!

PAM

Uh, ok. (She gets on the phone)

Michael glares at everyone until Kelly and Toby

arrive.

KELLY

What happened now?

MICHAEL(to Toby)

Did you eat my lunch?

TOBY

What?

MICHAEL(condescendingly)

No, you wouldn't have. It doesn't

have your recommended daily allowances

of baby brains and rat ass, does it?

Michael walks towards reception.

TOBY

Rat ass?

MICHAEL

Ok… look. A laugh is a laugh but I would

very much like my lunch back. Right now.

Everyone sort of looks around at each other

and Michael, confused.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL

These people are my troop. My soldiers.

And I am their general. I'm like… George

Washington and… and here we all are at

Gettysburg. And one of my trusted soldiers

stole my lunch. Was it Ben Franklin?

Was it Thomas Jefferson? Abe Lincoln? It

doesn't matter. All that matters is that one

of your most trusted men violated that trust…

and ran off with your lunch.(pause) And stole

your wooden teeth. (Pause) And that really

bites. Pun intended.

INT. OFFICE RECEPTION AREA 

Michael stares at everyone. There is silence.

MICHAEL

FINE! If that's how you people want to play it,

fine! We'll see who's laughing in a few minutes!

Michael storms out of the office.

Dwight leaps up angrily.

DWIGHT

Alright, whoever took Michael's lunch, come

forward! You will be immediately fired and

we'll forget the entire thing! I promise!

KEVIN(stepping up)

Dwight, why would someone take

Michael's lunch?

DWIGHT(looking Kevin up and down)

I don't know, Kevin. Why WOULD someone?

KEVIN

What's that supposed to mean?

ANGELA

Stop it! This is ridiculous!

Just then Michael storms back into the office.

He has a large chain and a huge padlock.

MICHAEL

Now, because of one of you, I have to treat

you ALL like horribly obese people!

Michael runs into the kitchen.

INT. THE OFFICE-KITCHEN AREA.

With some difficulty Michael slings the chain

around the fridge and loops it thru the handles

of the freezer and main door. Then he padlocks

it. Everyone is crammed into the doorway,

watching him.

MICHAEL(panting)

Now, no one eats! No one! No one gets their

lunch from the fridge and no one goes out!

Not until my lunch… THAT MY MOTHER SLAVED

OVER… gets returned!

Michael goes into his office and slams

the door.

JIM

Ok… that was… completely insane.

PHYLISS(annoyed)

I was meeting Bob Vance for lunch… would

someone please give Michael his quiche back!

OSCAR

Who would do something like this?

DWIGHT

Well, the first thing we must do is figure out

who the main suspect is… hmmmm, ok, figured

out… It's Halpert.

JIM

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there, Dwight! What

are you talking about? I've never stolen,

uh… ANYBODY'S lunch, EVER.

DWIGHT

Maybe not… but you aren't above KIDNAPPING

a lunch, now are you?

Jim looks at Pam and then smiles at

the camera sheepishly.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM(smiling)

Yeah… I um… kidnapped Dwight's lunch one

time. I left a ransom letter in the

fridge that directed him to a pay phone

a couple of blocks from here. From there

I had him running to just about every

street phone in Scranton until I told him that

his food was back at work, safe and sound.

He didn't eat lunch until about 4:30 that day.

(Pauses and smiles)Come on, I HAD to take

it. He was driving me crazy bragging about

how good it was going to be and how my lunch

sucked and oh my God, I AM the main

suspect.

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL'S OFFICE 

Michael sits at his desk with his head in

his hands, obviously still upset with the

situation. Dwight watches him through the

window outside the office, his face

reflecting his concern. He is completely

upset that Michael should be hurt like

this.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD 

DWIGHT(intense)

I believe that a person that has stolen

a fellow employee's lunch should be

vigorously punished with an excessively

large fine… and a caning. If you hit

a man in the stomach, you should be hit

back in the wallet… and in the ass.

Dwight barges into Michael's office,

closes the door and sits across from

him, leaning forward excitedly.

DWIGHT

Michael, give me time with them all.

I can break whoever did this. The

employee handbook is very fuzzy on

the usage of Sodium Penthanol.

MICHAEL

Dwight… aren't I a good boss?

Don't I provide a great work

environment?

DWIGHT

Yes! Of course!

MICHAEL

Shouldn't I inspire loyalty in

my people? I mean… Why would

they take my food?

DWIGHT

They are ungrateful, thieving

children… and should be starved

accordingly.

MICHAEL

I give them comedy, I give them

magic…

DWIGHT

Children don't deserve comedy

and magic. Especially yours.

MICHAEL

Exactly.

Toby walks up and leans

against the door frame.

TOBY

Michael…

MICHAEL

Go away, Toby.

TOBY

Michael… you… you cannot legally keep

employees from eating their lunch. And

chaining up the refrigerator… wow…

that… that is just off the charts…

MICHAEL

So what do you want me to do, Toby?

You want me to uh… to uh… take the

chain off the fridge?? You want me

to let them eat their lunch??

TOBY

Uh… yes.

MICHAEL

NO, Toby. No. I will not bend to

this kind of behavior. That's how…

how we lose our way. That's how

the terrorists WIN.

Toby is struck speechless my Michael's

comments. All he can do is blink and

slightly shake his head.

Michael walks past him and Dwight and

heads out to the office.

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM'S DESK 

Michael puts his hands on his hips and

addresses the office.

MICHAEL

Alright… are you ready to talk now?

Are the hunger pangs getting to you?

Making you weak… tired… guilty? Hmmmm?

TOBY(quietly)

Michael… it's only been about ten minutes

since you chained the fridge…

MICHAEL(annoyed)

Toby… alright… you know what? Everyone

remains a suspect. Ah… everyone except

Stanley.

STANLEY

I KNOW I will regret this but… why am

I not a suspect, Michael?

MICHAEL

Well, just… you know.

STANLEY

No, I don't. Tell me.

MICHAEL

Um… well… um… because (pause) blacks…

don't eat… quiche?

Stanley just stares at Michael who

shifts from foot to foot nervously.

MICHAEL

Right?

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD 

MICHAEL(agitated)

Look, I'm SORRY but I've always been

under the impression that there are

certain foods that African-Americans

don't eat… like quiche, for example.

Also cream cheese and liverwurst.

(pause) And celery.(pause)If I'm

wrong for saying that black people

don't eat quiche… well, then just

call me ignorant.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL'S OFFICE 

Ryan sticks his head thru into Michael's

office.

RYAN

You, uh… wanted to see me?

MICHAEL

Ah, yeah… you can, uh… close the door.

Ryan comes all the way in, closes the

door behind him and sits down.

RYAN

What's up?

MICHAEL

Well, uh…I just wanted to speak to you

in private… don't want to single you

out in front everybody… you saw how

THAT worked out… (laughs)

RYAN

Yeah…

MICHAEL(waving hands)

"Michael, that's offensive!"

(laughs)

So touchy…

RYAN

Yeah… so, uh… what's up?

MICHAEL

Well, I just uh… wanted you to know

that I don't think you took my lunch.

I uh… trust you… explicitly.

RYAN

Uh… I REALLY hope you mean implicitly,

but ok…

MICHAEL (laughing)

Ryan! Wow, that's… we should try to

be, uh… a little careful of what we

say in front of the cameras.

(looks at camera and laughs again)

MICHAEL(continued)

We don't want to give any impression

that, uh…

RYAN

What are you talking about?

MICHAEL

Well, uh… (laughs) you said

implicitly. I mean… you're hot

and all but we don't want people

to think we are having a secret

relationship… (laughs again and

looks at camera)

RYAN

That's illicitly… Uh, you know

what, I'm gonna go.(gets up)

MICHAEL

Well, no, you don't have to…

RYAN(Looks at camera)

No, I… I really should…

Ah… I'll… ok.

Ryan leaves the room as

Michael looks around and

then at the camera.

MICHAEL(to camera)

HE said implicit, not me.

I want to go on record.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Jim is holding the bear he gave to Pam and

leaning against the reception desk. Pam

hangs up the phone and smiles at Jim.

JIM

Have you spoken to Roy, yet?

PAM

No, not yet… I got sidetracked

by all this… hullabaloo.

JIM(smiling)

Did you just say "hullabaloo"?

PAM(laughing)

Yeah. I plan on using "fracas" in

a few minutes.

JIM

Cool.

Just then, Kevin, Angela and Oscar walk up

to Jim looking quite serious. He turns

around to face them.

PAM

Wow, you guys look like you should be

carrying torches.

JIM

Yeah, really.

KEVIN

Jim, we want you to return Michael's

lunch.

JIM(annoyed)

Kevin, I don't have Michael's lunch.

Why would I take his lunch?

KEVIN

To mess with him… or maybe eat it.

JIM

I don't mess with Michael, I

mess with Dwight… well, mostly.

And I have my own lunch. Besides,

I don't like quiche.

KEVIN(suspiciously)

Wait a minute. How did you know Michael's

lunch was quiche?

JIM

Kev…

KEVIN

How would you know that unless you took it?

You are SO busted, Jim!

JIM

Kev… when Michael came in this morning

he told me AND Pam AND Dwight that he

had quiche for lunch.

Kevin, Oscar and Angela look at Pam, who

nods her head in the affirmative. They all

look at Dwight who is sitting at his desk

staring at the ceiling.

PAM (offscreen)

Dwight!

Dwights rolls his eyes and reluctantly nods.

Angela sighs and gives Kevin a vicious look.

ANGELA(mockingly)

"Dude, I'm telling you, Jim

swiped that lunch."

Angela rolls her eyes and stalks off,

followed by Oscar. Kevin stands there,

embarrassed. He looks at Jim, then Pam,

then back at Jim. He smiles at Jim.

KEVIN

Hey.

KEVIN TALKING HEAD 

KEVIN

Now that I think about it, my money is on

Creed. One night, I forgot my cell so I

had to drive back over here and while I was

sitting in the parking lot I saw Creed put

two copiers and a water cooler into a van.

(pause) It was a little suspicious.(nods)

CREED TALKING HEAD 

CREED

I don't steal many lunches anymore.

Too hard to move. Give me something

like tube socks… car radios… kidneys…

THOSE I can move. (shakes head)

There's just not the same demand for

ham and cheese sandwiches anymore.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA 

Jim is still leaning on the reception

desk when Michael comes out of his

office and looks in his direction.

MICHAEL

Jim… can I have a word with you?

In my office?

Michael goes back into his office.

Dwight comes out, crosses his arms

And smiles smarmily at Jim. Jim

looks at Pam, who actually appears

a little worried and then the camera.

He then heads towards Michaels door.

PAM TALKING HEAD 

PAM

I can't imagine Jim getting in

trouble over this. I mean, Jim

wouldn't steal… or "kidnap"

Michael's lunch. (pause)

But if Dwight somehow gets Jim

fired over this… I'll be forced

to set his car on fire.(pause)

Seems only fair.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL'S OFFICE 

Jim is seated facing Michael across the

desk. Dwight is standing with his arms

folded, staring intently at Jim.

DWIGHT

He's lying, Michael. I can smell

deception coming off of him in waves.

JIM

That's because I'm wearing Deception

by Calvin Klein.

MICHAEL

Are you really? Wow, that's a really

funny coincidence!

DWIGHT(annoyed)

Michael…

MICHAEL

Wait… It's Obsession, isn't it?

JIM

Well, I like it a lot but I wouldn't

go that far.

MICHAEL(confused)

What?

DWIGHT

MICHAEL! He's toying with us!!

(To Jim) I'm done asking you!

Give me the quiche!

JIM(shocked)

WHAT?!? What did you just say

to me?

DWIGHT(taken aback by Jim's reaction)

I uh… said… give me the… quiche?

JIM(leaping up)

Michael, I will NOT tolerate this…

sexual harassment! Dwight demanding

a kiss from me is WAY out of line!

DWIGHT

What? I didn't… that's ridiculous!

I said give me the quiche!

JIM(Even angrier)

Get AWAY from me! Michael,

get him the HELL out of here!

I'll tell you what you what

you want to know but he has

GOT to leave!

DWIGHT

Michael, don't listen to him!

JIM

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL

Uh… Dwight… uh… just give us a

minute.

DWIGHT

I don't believe this! Michael…

MICHAEL

Just… come on, I just want to

know where my lunch is! Go… go

in the kitchen, Dwight!

Dwight, stunned by this turn of events,

sadly leaves Michael's office, shaking

his head at Jim. Once he's outside the

door, Jim's mood brightens immeasurably.

JIM

So, what do you want to know, Michael?

MICHAEL(put on his heels by Jim's

sudden attitude adjustment)

Uh… do you know where my… lunch is?

JIM(sincerely)

No. I honestly, HONESTLY do not know

where your lunch is, Michael. I would

never take your food and if I knew

where it was, I would tell you. Ok?

MICHAEL

Um… ok.

JIM

Seriously. I need you to hear

me on this, ok?

MICHAEL

No, I… I hear you.

JIM

Ok… and Michael? Chaining the fridge

and keeping everyone from eating is

probably not the way to go.

MICHAEL

My… mom made that lunch, man. That

means a lot to me.

JIM

I know that… but we'll figure it out.

This way isn't the right way, you know?

Let people eat, Michael. Ok?

MICHAEL

Alright… well… maybe… but my mom made

it, man!

JIM

Ok, yeah… but think about it, ok?

MICHAEL

Ok… ok…

Jim starts to leave.

MICHAEL

Jim?

JIM

Yeah?

MICHAEL

That Deception cologne… does smell

pretty good. Chicks dig it?

JIM(suppressing a laugh)

Uh… yeah. They chase me thru

the mall all the time.

MICHAEL

Wow… gotta get some of that.

Jim leaves Michael's office and

walks over to reception. Pam

anxiously hangs up the phone

and leans forward.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA 

JIM

It's ok, I'm good.

Pam looks noticeably relieved.

PAM

Oh, good. 'Cause, even by Dunder-

Mifflin standards this has gone

way out of control.

JIM

Yeah… uh, hey. I'm kinda working

on Michael to ease up on the whole

uh… Fort Knox refrigerator thing.

Maybe you can go in there… break

out the uh… considerable Beesly

charm and push him along some

more…

PAM

Wow… "Considerable charm". I never

knew I had that.

JIM

What? Of course you do! You certainly

charmed the pants off of m… (pause)

uh… not my… uh…

PAM

No, I knew what you… uh… meant…

JIM (laughing)

Not literally… you know, I mean…

PAM(standing)

Yeah, I'll go and talk to Michael.

I uh… have some things to remind

him of anyway…

JIM (recovering)

Ok. Good job. And when you come back

I'll detail the monetary and cultural

differences between Fifth Avenue and

Sixth Avenue. Just to prepare you.

(laughs)

PAM(laughs)

Ok, have that ready.

Pam walks over to Michael's office

and leans in.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL'S OFFICE

PAM

Do you have a minute, Michael?

MICHAEL

Uh… sure. What's… going

on, Pam?

PAM

Well, I just wanted to remind you

that there is a big conference

call with New York at 11:00,

tomorrow.

MICHAEL

That's tomorrow, right? Why are

you…

PAM

Just getting you ready.

MICHAEL

Well, that doesn't help me

with my lunch today, Pam.

PAM

You're lunch will turn up,

Michael. No one here took

it.

MICHAEL

How do you know that?

PAM

Because I know. I KNOW. Take the

chain off the refrigerator,

Michael. It's not right. Your

lunch is around here somewhere.

Don't punish them for something

that's been misplaced.

Michael grumbles and shakes his head.

MICHAEL

Alright, MAYBE… But I'm gonna get

to the bottom of this somehow.

PAM

And Michael..please, please, PLEASE

sign those expense reports! I MUST

have them today!

MICHAEL(looking around)

I don't even know where…

PAM(pointing)

Right there! They're right behind

you! Over there.

Michael turns and sees them on the

cabinet behind his desk.

MICAHEL

OK, ok, I'll sign 'em!

Go… go pester somebody else…

PAM(smiling)

Thank you. And think about

the fridge…

MICHAEL(waving her out)

Yes, ok…

Pam leaves. Michael turns around

and picks up the expense reports.

Underneath the reports is his bagged

lunch. Michael looks at the camera,

embarrassed and rubs his face.

MICHAEL

Oh… damn.

END ACT TWO

ACT THREE

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM'S DESK 

Michael walks slowly out of his

office looking around cautiously.

He is holding a black garbage bag.

Jim turns around when Michael comes

out, leans back in his chair and

watches him.

JIM

What's in the bag, dad?

MICHAEL(stopping in spite of himself)

That's… that's funny… and… timely.

JIM

Yeah.

MICHAEL(thinking hard)

Uh… I had to take my garbage out…

It's uh… Saddam stinky.

JIM(actually chuckling)

That's… that's good. I like that.

MICHAEL(getting into it)

The smell was making me Hussein…

JIM(smile fading)

Ok. Um… so… what's in your garbage

that stinks so bad?

MICHAEL(looking at bag)

Oh… um… I think it's… um… some…

um… something.

JIM(looking at camera, smiling)

Ok.

Dwight walks over and interjects

himself.

DWIGHT

Let me handle it, Michael. It might

be toxic.

MICHAEL(annoyed)

It's not toxic, Dwight.

DWIGHT

How do you know? A peanut butter

and jelly sandwich left in a drawer

can become a deadly toxic bomb over

time…

(looks at Jim)

DWIGHT(continued)

…JIM.

JIM(shaking head)

I keep telling you…

I didn't put that there, Dwight…

DWIGHT(staring hard at Jim)

Well, I certainly didn't put a sandwich

in a file folder labeled PB&J!

JIM(fighting back a smile)

I don't know… you can be pretty anal

about your filing system…

As they argue Michael attempts to

slip away.

DWIGHT

NO, Jim, I don't file… Michael!

I'll take care of that. Don't

endanger yourself needlessly.

That's my job.

MICHAEL

No, it's ok…

DWIGHT(lower)

You didn't open another cyan ink

cartridge, did you?

MICHAEL (rolling eyes)

No! I… know the difference between

cyan and… cayenne… now.

There's a pause as the three look

at each other, Michael the more

embarrassed of the trio.

DWIGHT

Michael, give me the bag. I'll

walk it out to the big dumpster.

MICHAEL

No, that's…

DWIGHT(reaching)

Just back away from it and…

MICHAEL

No! Dwight! I'll take… you know

what? Never mind. It's… not that

bad, I'll just… ignore it. Jeez.

Michael turns and heads back to his office.

We see that his jacket is up in the back on

his left side, because a plastic knife and

fork are sticking out of his pocket. Both

Jim and Dwight look at the camera and then

back to Michael as he closes his door.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL

A general doesn't… admit to

mistakes in front of his

soldiers. (shakes head)No.

A… A general must not appear

fallible. Do you think George

Washington would've told Ben

Franklin "Oh… gee, I'm really

sorry, Ben. My bad! No one

stole my lunch, it was over here

on this rock under some expense

reports." No! No. He would've

said "Ben… get your ass back out

there and kill me some British."

THAT'S what a real general would

do.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL'S OFFICE 

Pam sticks her head into Michael's office.

PAM

You wanted to see me?

MICHAEL

Oh, uh, yeah. Um… close the door, Pam.

This is for your ears only. James Bond.

PAM

Uh… ok.

Pam closes the door behind her and sits

facing Michael.

MICHAEL

Uh… ok, Pam. I have a top secret, super

stealth mission for you. So… mums the word,

keep it to yourself… ok?

PAM

Of course.

PAM TALKING HEAD 

PAM(smiling)

Poor Michael. He doesn't realize that

when he says to me "Pam, I have a top

secret, super stealth mission for you."

that what he's REALLY saying is "Pam, I

have a run right out and tell Jim every

stupid detail because it will definitely

be worth a few laughs and POSSIBLY have

some future blackmail and prank potential…

(pause) mission for you.

INT. THE OFFICE MICHAEL'S OFFICE

Michael continues.

MICHAEL

I want you to take this box(hands closed

cardboard box to Pam), take it downstairs

and put it on the passenger seat of my car…

ok?

PAM

Um… your car is in the shop… remember?

MICHAEL

ARRRGH! That's right, damn!

Michael puts his head in his hands as

Pam glances at the camera and then back

to him.

MICHAEL

Don't panic, Pam, stop panicking!! Ok…

Pam gives the camera a "I'M panicking?!?"

look.

MICHAEL

Ok… um… alright. Take this box and leave it

in shipping… no, no, those animals will

probably eat it.

PAM(frowning)

You realize that you just called my fiancé

an animal, right? I don't… (pause) eat what?

MICHAEL

Uh… what?

PAM

You said they would probably eat it. Eat what?

There is a long pause as Pam and Michael stare

at one another.

PAM

What's in this box?

She starts to open it but Michael comes around

the desk and snatches the box away and cradles it.

MICHAEL(staring at Pam insanely)

TOP SECRET!

Again they stare at each other, Pam slightly

shocked.

MICHAEL

Um… ok… you know what? I'll… I'll take

care of it. It's ok. Thanks.

PAM

O… k.

Pam backs out of the room with Michael

still clutching the box.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA 

Pam walks over to reception just as Roy

comes through the main door.

ROY

Pammy… you wanted to see me?

Pam glances at Jim who is on the phone

and then turns to Roy.

PAM

Uh… let's go into the stairwell…

INT.- THE OFFICE-JIM'S DESK.

Michael comes out of his office and

stands in front of Jim's desk.

MICHAEL

Ok, everyone… everybody into the

conference room. C'mon… let's uh…

let's… go.

Everyone shuffles into the conference

room reluctantly. Michael looks over

at reception.

MICHAEL

Where the hell is Pam? Dammit…

Michael looks around nervously until

everyone shuffles into the conference

room, then follows them in.

INT. THE OFFICE-CONFERENCE ROOM 

Michael pulls the blinds on the door

and all of the windows and stands in

front of the seated group. They are

all annoyed and depressed. No one wants

to be in here.

MICHAEL(nervously)

Ok… um… ok. I've uh… finished my

investigation. And… I'm gonna do like

in a mystery show and name the killer.

Just like Murder, She Wrote.

JIM

You're gonna dress up like Angela

Lansbury and tell us who killed your

lunch?

Toby, seated next to Jim, puts his head

down and smiles slightly.

MICHAEL

Yes. Uh… well, not the dressing up part

but uh, basically, yeah.

JIM

Ok.

MICHAEL

But first, I um… have to get something.

A key um… clue… that I forgot. NOBODY

MOVE. No one.

Michael opens the door and heads out but

leans back in.

MICHAEL

Stay right where you are.

He leaves, shuts the door behind him and

slips into his office.

INT. STAIRWELL 

Pam and Roy head down to a middle landing

and face one another. The camera hides at

the top of stairs. We see Pam and Roy

between the bars of the railing.

ROY

So… what's up, babe?

PAM

Um… I wanted to ask you about

something… um… Jim has to go to

New York this Wednesday and I

was gonna… tag along with him.

You know, um… just for the day

and stuff. Ok?

ROY

What?

Pam really doesn't want to have to repeat

herself but she sighs and starts again.

PAM

Jim… has to go to New York and…

ROY

Didn't you tell me that Halpert was

going to New York LAST Friday?

PAM

Uh… yeah.

ROY

So what's he going back for?

PAM

Um… he had some um… business he has to

take care of that he couldn't do over

the weekend. So… I was gonna tag along

with him.

ROY

Tag along? Pam, you tag along with

somebody when they hit a bar or…

the movies or… something. Going to New

York is a HELL of a lot more than

tagging along… (he pauses and squints

at Pam)

ROY(continued)

What's goin' on?

PAM(eyes wide in surprise)

What? Nothing… nothing's going…

ROY

I'm gonna go talk with him.

Roy starts to head up the stairs but

Pam grabs his arm.

PAM

Talk to him about what? What is WRONG

with you? There is NOTHING going on,

Roy. He's my FRIEND!

Roy stares at Pam for a moment.

ROY

Is this because I haven't taken you

to New York?

PAM

What? No! Roy, It's just a day with

a friend, ok? That's all it is.

ROY

I just don't see why you HAVE to

go to New York with him.

PAM(tired, but trying to be sweet)

Roy… There's nothing to look for here.

Jim is my… friend. Just my friend. I

don't HAVE to go… I just wanted to go.

Roy stews for a moment and then moves

closer to Pam and wraps his arms around

her.

ROY(softly)

Listen… why don't we go to New York?

You and me. I know you've been wanting

to. Like… the weekend after next. It'll

be fun.

PAM(brightening)

Really? You really want to go?

ROY(smiling)

Uh, yeah, set it up. Pick a good hotel…

Not too expensive, we gotta save,

right?

PAM(laughing)

Yeah… Oh, there's so much

we can do there!

ROY

Yeah, yeah… So… are you

happy with that?

PAM(smiling)

Yes. Yes, I am. (kisses Roy)

ROY

Good… Ok, so, um… you don't

need to go to New York this

week then, right?

PAM(pulling back)

What?

ROY

Pam, you don't need to go to

New York for a day when you're

goin' for a weekend, babe.

(Laughs) That doesn't make

sense…

Pam looks down, knowing she

has walked right into it.

ROY(bending down to look

at Pam's face)

Right?

PAM(quietly)

Yeah.

ROY

I mean… we'll be staying over,

babe. What can you do in a day,

right?

Pam just nods blankly.

ROY(solemnly, but still sounding

full of shit)

And I want us to experience it

TOGETHER. (kisses Pam again but she

only gives him cheek)

ROY(continued)

Alright, lemme get back down there.

(starts heading down the stairs)

ROY(continued)

See ya at five, Pammy.

PAM(sullen)

Ok.

As Roy walks downstairs, Pam slowly

leans against the stairwell wall

and crosses her arms. She looks

unbelievably sad.

ROY(yelling from offscreen)

Oh, Pammy?

PAM(monotone)

Yeah.

ROY(Still offscreen)

Tell Michael that the padlock he took…

it doesn't have a key. It's been missing

for God knows how long.

PAM(shrinking even more)

Ok.

Pam puts her head in her hands and

sighs loudly.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL'S OFFICE 

Michael pokes his head out of his office

carrying his lunch and looks around

carefully. He glances over at the

conference room and is satisfied that

everyone is still in there. He quickly

glides over to Creed's desk and opens

drawers, looking for space for the bag.

All the drawers are stuffed. Finally

he finds one and starts to slip the bag

in. Just then Pam re-enters the office

and sees Michael from across the room,

shoving his lunch into Creed's desk.

PAM

MICHAEL! What are you doing?!?

Michael practically leaps out of

his shoes. He is completely

startled.

MICHAEL

I was… I was…

Just then everyone comes out of the

conference room and stares at Michael.

PHYLLIS

Is that your lunch, Michael?

KELLY

You found it! Yay!

MICHAEL

Uh, yeah, yeah… I… it was… it was in

Creed's desk! Creed stole my lunch!!

Everyone stares at Creed.

CREED

I did?

Kevin gives a happy fist pump and shoves

his hand toward Oscar, who reluctantly

hands him a ten dollar bill.

MICHAEL

Yeah, Creed, you did. Pack up your crap,

and get the hell out of here! You're done…

for… the day.

CREED(starting to head to his desk)

Fair enough.

PAM

Michael! You were putting that bag into

that drawer, not taking it out!

Michael shoots Pam a withering glare.

MICHAEL

NO… no. I was… uh… putting the evidence

back where I found it. Protecting the

crime scene. (Michael gives the

camera a self-satisfied look, like no

one should question that brilliant-

sounding reason.)

DWIGHT

How did you know it was there in the

first place?

MICHAEL

I… um…

MEREDITH

And why did you have to sneak back

out here and put it back?

KEVIN

Yeah.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD 

MICHAEL

I think I'm a good leader, yes. I think

I get the respect that a leader should

be afforded.

INT.-THE OFFICE-CREED'S DESK 

We see Michael standing in front of

everyone, desperately trying to think

his way out it, looking at each person,

hoping for some kind of out.

MICHAEL(VOICE-OVER)

And with that respect there is the

necessary by-product of fear. A leader

should be feared somewhat, like a parent.

They are children and they should be

afraid to even remotely question my

authority. Harsh, I know but… that's

how it goes in the leader business.

(nods)

INT.-THE OFFICE-CREED'S DESK 

MICHAEL(completely flabbergasted)

No, see… I… because… OK, ok! My lunch

was on my desk the whole time and…

and it was covered by those stupid

expense reports! And… I didn't even

know it was there!

(He points at Pam)

MICHAEL(continued)

It's your fault I lost my lunch!

Jim pulls out his absolute best Jim face

and shows it to the camera and then Pam,

who shakes her head, open-mouthed. Every-

one just glares at Michael who shuffles

nervously. Then Phyllis walks over to Michael

and gets right in his face.

PHYLLIS(evenly)

I'm going to my LATE lunch with Bob Vance.

I will be gone for TWO hours… Michael.

MICHAEL

Well, gee, Phyllis, that's a pretty long…

She gives Michael a death stare and he stops.

Phyllis heads towards reception, followed by

Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Oscar, who pauses

long enough to get his ten bucks back from a

hugely disappointed Kevin.

CREED TALKING HEAD 

CREED

No, I'm not mad that Michael tried to

set me up. I would've done the same

thing. Only, I would've gotten away

with it.(Creed jerks a thumb back over

his shoulder towards the office)

CREED(continued)

Amatuers… (then points at himself)

CREED(continued)

Pro.(nods cockily)

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD 

DWIGHT

Am I disappointed that Michael did this?

(looks sad) Yes… yes, I am. A leader

should NEVER, EVER frame a subordinate

to cover his own mistakes. Unless… that

subordinate's name is Jim Halpert.

KELLY TALKING HEAD 

KELLY

OhmiGod, that was SO crazy. That had,

like, a million twists and turns! First

Michael said someone stole his lunch and

then he tried to fool us into thinking

Creed stole it and then it turned out

that HE STOLE HIS OWN LUNCH. Wow! It was

exactly like The Sixth Sense where Bruce

Willis is just hanging out and then that

creepy kid helps him and then it turns

out that HE WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME.

Y'know? It's exactly like it!(smile fades

a little) Sorta… (long pause)

Well… maybe not really.

INT.-THE OFFICE-JIM'S DESK

Jim and Pam head back over towards

his desk, Jim looking amused and Pam

looking anxious.

JIM

Wow… so, Pam… let me write your entry

for today… (makes voice effeminate)

Dear diary… today at work, Michael

stole his own lunch and tried to frame

Creed for it. SO not cool. But on the

other hand Jim, my BBF (Best Buddy

Forever) is taking me to New York!

I've said it in every previous entry

and I'll say it again… That Jim Halpert

is soooooo dreamy!

PAM(pained)

Jim… about that…

JIM(smiling)

What, I'm not dreamy? C'mon, that's

what you wrote, you can't take it

back.

PAM(reaching for Jim's arm)

Jim…

Jim looks into Pam's eyes and just

knows. All the air seems to come

out of him.

JIM(not wanting to believe)

Roy doesn't want you to go.

PAM(looking into Jim's eyes)

No… I'm sorry, Jim.

JIM(angry)

Dammit!

Pam grabs Jim's hand and pulls him

to the conference room and closes

the door.

INT.–THE OFFICE-CONFERENCE ROOM 

JIM

I… What is the big deal?!?

Did you explain that it's…

it's… NOTHING! It's just…

PAM

I did, I did. But he… he

didn't like it. He REALLY

didn't like the idea. I'm

SORRY, Jim…

JIM(frustrated)

Jesus Christ, what is his problem?!?

Why is he acting so stupid? I'm not…

We're not… (shakes head) It was just…

And he has to act like an ass over it…

Can't you just tell him your going?!?

PAM(slightly angry)

Jim! Listen. I'm REALLY sorry, I know

you're upset but Roy is my

FIANCE and I have to respect how he

feels!

This hits Jim like a ton of bricks.

The reality of what Pam said sobers him

immediately. He blinks at her a few times

and then jams his hands into his pockets.

His head hangs.

JIM(quietly)

Yeah. He is. You're right. (pause)

I… pushed you into this and… I'm really

sorry. I just got carried away.

PAM(even sadder still)

No, no, Jim, you didn't…

JIM(sincerely)

It's… my fault. I put you in a…

bad situation. I… I'm really sorry,

Pam.

PAM

No… Jim…

Jim leaves the conference room. Pam comes

out to follow him but he continues past

reception and out through the main door.

Just then Michael, Dwight, Ryan, Kevin,

Kelly, Angela and Toby come out of the

kitchen. Pam hangs her head and then

hears Michael.

MICHAEL

Alright, alright! I'm getting the key now,

you'll have your food in a second! Jeez…

PAM(grimacing)

Oh… Michael? Um… About that…

EXT. PARKING LOT/BUILDING ENTRANCE

Jim leans against the wall right next to

the main door. It's cold but he doesn't

seem to notice. He is deep in thought,

head down, a sad look upon his face. Once

again, he is dealing with the cold reality

of his situation. Ryan comes thru the door

and looks at him.

RYAN

Hey, man… what's wrong?

Jim just shakes his head and then

notices something in Ryan's hand.

JIM

Are those Dwight's keys?

RYAN

Yeah, I gotta get something outta

his car.

Jim nods and goes back to moping as

Ryan walks off. Then, Jim's phone rings.

Jim pulls it out and upon recognizing

the number, suddenly remembers what he's

done.

JIM(standing a few feet from the door now)

Mark! Hey! Uh, listen… about those tickets…

Oh… oh. Damn. Uh, ok…

Just then Pam comes downstairs and pokes

her head out the door. She sees Jim on the

phone and decides to wait until he is done.

JIM(continued)

You know, my plans kinda fell through… I know…

can he just… take 'em back? (closes eyes, and

shakes head) Well, I can't use 'em now… and I

still have to pay for them?

Pam's eyes widen, her mind racing.

JIM(continued)

I don't know anybody else that's

going to New York, dude! Ah, man…

alright… how… how much are they?

Jim pauses and then bends over at the waist,

his elbows on his knees and the phone still

to his ear.

JIM(continued)

You… have GOT to be kidding. Oh… My… God.

I KNOW what I said… Oh, man…(laughs and

stands upright) 'Cause ya GOTTA laugh, man.

My life… it's… it's a complete mess! I work

in this stupid company… I'm in l…(just then he

turns around and sees Pam standing there)

JIM(continued)

Oh, hey. Dude, I gotta go… no, nothin'… I

gotta… ok. Yeah, I'll (lower) get you the

money, ok? Bye.

Jim hangs up and walks slowly to Pam.

She comes out and wraps her arms around

herself, concern showing on her face.

PAM

Is… everything ok?

JIM

Yeah, yeah, um… Mark. Always something

goofy with that guy… he, uh… needs some

cash… you know…

PAM(not believing but afraid to

push it)

Oh. Um… ok.

Jim starts to walk past Pam but she

puts her hands on his arms.

PAM(quietly)

Jim… I am SO sorry. And… and I don't

want you to think that you pushed me

into going. I WANTED to go, Jim. Don't

ever think that I didn't. It's just…

so complicated sometimes.

Jim nods but he still can't look in

Pam's eyes.

JIM(with a small smile)

Well… who knows? Maybe one

day… we will.

(shrugs and laughs)

JIM (continued)

I guess… we'll always have

Scranton… right?

Jim walks to the door and goes in. And

although Pam is cold, she just stands

outside and looks into the sky. Just

then, Ryan walks by. He holds a huge bolt

cutter aloft and waves it to Pam.

RYAN(sarcastically)

Lunch is here!

He goes in and, a few seconds later,

a dejected Pam follows.

END ACT III

EPILOGUE

TOBY TALKING HEAD 

TOBY

I uh… have my own little way of

gauging how my day went here at

Dunder-Mifflin. I call it the,

uh, Litigation Barometer.

We see a series a shots.

Ryan in the kitchen trying to

work the bolt cutter and Dwight

finally losing patience, taking

it from him and using it himself.

Toby speaking to Michael,

gesturing and shrugging, while

Michael happily eats his quiche

and ignores him.

Toby speaking to Creed, who

points at Michael, then his desk

and then shrugs with a smile and

leaves the office. Toby shakes his

head and looks at Michael, who is

trying to get an aggravated Pam to

smell his lunch. Jim looks on

humorlessly.

TOBY (continued)

It's a scale from 1 to 5.

1, uh, being "No, no possible

lawsuit could occur from today's

office activities" to 5, 5 being,

um… "Everyone, expect to be served

with a subpoena before week's end".

(pause) Today could possibly be…

an 8. (shakes head)

END EPILOGUE


End file.
